Lovely Head

2010-02-21T18:32:00.001-08:00

The longer you stay away, the less I miss you.

Thanks

21

2010-02-19T07:09:00.000-08:00

Hi.

My name is Ana Martinez. I am a 21 year old full time college student. I am single. I have a ridiculous passion for art and psychology. I am determined, positive, honest, and compassionate. I have the absolute greatest network of family and friends who offer support at any moment, for any decision. I am lucky to be alive one more year. This day is not just a birthday, but truly a miracle for a lack of a better word.

Thanks to whatever big guy/ girl is out there.

I'm so happy.

super bowl sundaaaaayyy

2010-02-07T20:16:00.000-08:00

I'm so so so full.

I'm really happy.

where you at?

I think I waited for ages to be happy and finally I am.

so, um where are you?

WOAH!!! (my new favorite word?)

2010-02-03T00:03:00.000-08:00

So school started. Besides the occasional creeper or asshole, i la la love it! my classes seem like a breeze except for DRAWING DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. Really though, I have two great professors and their freakn tough. We'll see but its a nice excuse to blow more money at the Art supply warehouse :))) i've been working a lot on my own stuff i'll post stuff up eventually. I got a new sketchbook and some micron penS since I lost my black one... SO FUN! i have a 150 pages that I WILL fill at least by the end of the semester.

hmmm besides that I tried with more personal issues and I'm pretty much done trying because I look like a complete pathetic ass.

I HAVE MY INTERVIEW WITH DISNEY THIS FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHH ive been getting ready for it, make notes, practicing. I REALLY REALLY NEED THIS. OH man I've been constantly praying to be accepted... more than a dream come true.

MY 21st first is coming up... woah. woah. woahm buddy, woah. I'm excited :)

that is all GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR.

2010-01-20T12:11:00.001-08:00

I LIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i didnt want you to know that i'm not okay.

i miss you.

divorce, laughter, love, and paint

2010-01-10T01:36:00.000-08:00

2010 so far seems to be unfortunate in the conventional sense... i hear of more divorces and am about to experience one in my own home. I used the word "conventional" because it's not unfortunate in the least bit.

People change, situations change... pretty much everything does.

it's our job to perservere, stay positive, and to stay strong for those whom we love... sometimes that means letting go of those we can't stand to be apart from.

Do I miss him? every goddamn day. it's torture.

but if I really want it to work on any level I know I have to let go.

for me, thats the hardest part

but i know we were okay one day... people don't really change all that much we just go through our shit so im hoping that just maybe that was really how it was meant to be before life and everyone else just fucked it all up.

we'll see right...

officially, I am once again in love with the world. GIVE ME A HUG planet earth!

wowz

2009-12-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

it feels really good to finally treat people the way you should...

love those that love you

and to stop wasting your love on people that dont deserve crap from you.

its taken me years to realize that no matter how screwed up, immature, and everythiing else that i am, that i deserve someone who would love me 200% percent like i'd love them.

I can't wait to find him. :) i loveeeeee to love.

life is getting exciting.

new lesson

2009-12-22T00:43:00.000-08:00

sometimes you have to fuck up bad... like reaaaaal bad for the much needed swift kick in the ass.

I would just like to thank my brain for leading me astray down extremely stupid and regretful roads.

2009 year to relax think and well, think more

2010 sounds like work already. I have a lot of time to make up for.

SECRET #3328.9 section H-44

2009-12-11T00:57:00.000-08:00

im a monster

ruuunnnn

Don't be a dumb fuck.

2009-12-06T22:42:00.000-08:00

Someone once told me I just like to keep it interesting.

Someone else once told me its probably not my fault.

THEN, someone else told me to shut the eff up and smile.

THEN, I listened to that someone.

NOW, I'm chillin with TREX.

so I erased a whole lot of posts from before, kept a few, and once I pass COD I will change this baby up.

basic update: family is good, tacos are great, patron is pretty good as well, MJ is alive and well, i like dancing, quinceros are better than quinceneras, thank god for foreigners THEY keep it interesting, God bless America

and if you can see out of your own mouth, get your head out of your butt.

GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR,

DROID.

"so like are you guys well known?"

2009-03-29T02:51:00.000-07:00

I painted for the first time ever with oil! It was quite frightening and a bit intimidating but I must say, I cannot wait to get my hand on another paint brush, even if suck! I don't give no! I love any kind of self expression. It was soo much fun. We attracted quite a bit of hilarious attention from creepy stares to "art is the way" to "do you guys like have a card? HEY GUYS(dirceted to her friends) COME OVER HERE LOOK!" seriously, DON'T.

talk about awkward especially when my stuff looked like a preschooler did it...then again honestly, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Life is yummy.

I'm well on my road to high grades.

I will have a job by friday...WILL, friends. And when I mean it let me tell you its a complete obsession until it is completed.

PS

You're worth more to me. :)

Vanilla Sky

2009-03-26T00:54:00.000-07:00

SOUL Department: Shiny, bright, found
HEART Department: Torn, but oh so complete
HEAD Department: Priorities straight, kicking ass logic style, I'm ripping school a new one

So Here is my list of websites, artists, websites, etc YOU should be looking at (or at least I do & I AM a bad butt)

1. WWW.TITLEMAGAZINE.NET

Frankly, I'm extremely impressed at this piece of work. My friend BVU whom I LOVE, I LOVE YOU BVU! came up with this idea for an art magazine....some weeks later, BAM its fucking DONE. I'm hoping to contribute soon. The layout is great, design impeccable, of course it could use me hahaha jk but look at it...its yummy! I'm hoping down the road we'll get this bad boy printing. IF YOU would like to get your stuff in there, PLEASE contact the magazine via website. CHECK IT OUT

2. WWW.VERSELIST.COM

My favorite guilty pleasure...lists of everything from bizarre food festivals to government issues, literature, etc. I cannot say this is a very credible source but its most definitely an entertaining one. I've been introduced to a lot of new things through this bad boy.

3. WWW.FMYLIFE.COM

hilarious. everyone knows about it. I think everyone can laugh and completely relate.

4. RALPH EUGENE MEATYARD

One of my new favorite photographers. BABIES: he's dead, his stuffs old but I think you can agree with me that its much better than a lot of shit coming out now.(photo right)

5. ARTHUR TRESS
ditto above statement except for the dead part. he's still around thank god (photo below)

6.EMMIT GOWAN

His stuff is along the same line...
creepy, beautiful, just man it hits the spot.

7.LUCAS SAMARAS

photography, performing arts, painting sculpture. I personally find his stuff very interesting. The last creative endeavour he embarked on was photography. His photography usually focus on his own image but mutilated and distorted.

8. SHAYE ST. JOHN(fucking scares me man)

Performing artist. The character is an actress that was disfigured in an accident and wears a freaky ass mask to cover her face. She says she has the record for the most psychological disorders. You can find Shaye St. John Videos on YOUTUBE. I warn you, personally they scare the shit out of me. Many find them pointless, stupid, or even hilarious. To me the images used, dialogue, sound, etc just creeps me out. So does her website: WWW.SHAYESAINTJOHN.NET

9.MARCO EVARISTTI
artist..well that can be up for debate. Nevertheless he is someone I laugh and think about
"I'm a male who really love’s the thought of being on the dinner table,
my body is yours to cook anyway you want, i am for real my flesh is
yours. fry me,broil me barbecue me i don,t care just as long as you
enjoy your meal, i want to be your meal, its my calling an i’m ready.
longpig!"-Evarsitti
ENOUGH SAID. He has actually had liposuction kept the fat, made meatballs, and fed it to his friends. Aw so cute. To me, its Hilariously disturbing. check out some his work at: www.evarsitti.com

I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH THAT ...more to come!

So lets get high in backseats of cars, break into mobile homes, go to sleep to shake appeal, never wake up on our own

MOSTOFALL... believe in the sum of ourselves
SUCKAAAAAAA
:)

2009-02-15T23:41:00.000-08:00

"hello, my name is ____. I'm 19 years old. I enjoy writing and I am a rapper. I was asked to sign a contract with a producer which I refused because
I like to explore my options."

i love school.

HAHAHAHHAHA

im sore tired thirsty dirty and gross.

im wondering if you often think the same things i do.

i of course look at post secret'sblog today...

i felt happy and sad because i can relate to every single one of those postcards....

especially the one that was posted the year before...(if u see the blog you'll know what i speak of)

aw well life is still good

i just like to complain to make it interesting haha juuust kidding

good night i love u all.

Anthem of the Year!

2008-11-14T20:17:00.000-08:00

There's a good chance we won't make it to the big dance
They all owe us kisses for two
So if I may, I will take the first steps
And say I feel like drowning at the end of the month
(And the world is warm, so it blows out
And the box is wet, so it falls out
And the ice is cold, but it won't melt)
'Cause I am a fake, who sticks to his guns
It's what I know son
And it comes easy to a liar like me
Oh, Hey! And it comes easy...

Colours are bleeding into grey
And though you're feeling down
Baby I want to get down with you
Now if I can say you would look fine
In a frame on my bedroom wall
'Cause i am a fake who sticks to his guns
And lets the bitches run
And it comes easy to a scumbag like me...

thank you tokyo police club!

Despite everything, I'm proud to say I'm proud of the past and proud to be doing pretty good.

enough prouds for you?

thats right i'll just keeping prouding you up!

i'm fucking heartbroken.

Never again. get out of my head.

"why i'm not where you are"

2008-11-09T23:47:00.000-08:00

since i no longer have words to say, no sound to come from my mouth of my mind i give my thoughts my loves my hates my deepest wishes and deepest hurts to another, another to explain what i could never say comprehend do...another who writes from his heart and fucks up my gut.

"If there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it walls, and we will furnish it with soft, red interiors, from the inside out, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweller's felt so that we should never hear it. Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does."

"I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else. "

"I'm sorry for my inability to let unimportant things go, for my inability to hold on to the important things."

"The bruises go away, and so does how you hate, and so does the feeling that everything you receive from life is something you have earned."

"Brod's life was a slow realization that the world was not for her, and that for whatever reason, she would never be happy and honest at the same time. She felt as if she were brimming, always producing and hoarding more love inside her. But there was no release... So she had to satisfy herself with the idea of love--loving the loving of things whose existence she didn't care at all about. Love itself became the object of her love. She loved herself in love, she loved loving love, as love loves loving, and was able, in that way, to reconcile herself with a world that fell so short of what she would have hoped for. It was not the world that was the great and saving lie, but her willingness to make it beautiful and fair, to live a once-removed life, in a world once-removed from the one in which everyone else seemed to exit."

"We slept in the same bed. There was never a right time to say it. It was always unnecessary. The books in my father's shed were sighing. The sheets were rising and falling around me with Anna's breathing. I thought about waking her. but it was unnecessary. There would be other nights. And how can you say I love you to someone you love? I rolled onto my side and fell asleep next to her. Here is the point of everything I have been trying to tell you... It's always necessary. I love you,..."

"I got tired, I told him. Not worn out, but worn through. Like one of those wives who wakes up one morning and says I can't bake any more bread. You never bake bread, he wrote, and we were still joking. Then it's like I woke up and baked bread, I said, and we were joking even then. I wondered will there come a time when we won't be joking? And what would it look like? And how would that feel? When I was a girl, my life was music that was always getting louder. Everything moved me. A dog following a stranger. That made me feel so much. A calender that showed the wrong month. I could have cried over it. I did. Where the smoke from the chimney ended. How an overturned bottle rested at the edge of a table. I spent my life learning to feel less. Every day I felt less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse? You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

"I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone."

"I knew that our time together was almost over, I asked her if she liked sports, she asked me if I liked chess, I asked her if she liked fallen trees, she went home with her father, the center of me followed her, but I was left with the shell of me, I needed to see her again, I couldn't explain my need to myself, and that's why it was such a beautiful need, there's nothing wrong with not understanding yourself."

"ART Art is that thing having to do only with itself—the product of a successful attempt to make a work of art. Unfortunately, there are no expamples of art, nor good reasons to think that it will ever exist. (Everything that has been made has been made with a purpose, teverything with an end exists outside of that thing, i.e., "I want to sell this", or "I want this to make me famous and loved", or "I want this to make me whole", or worse, "I want this to make others whole.") And yet we continue to write, paint, sculpt and compose. Is this foolish of us?"

"And the joys I've felt have not always been joyous. I could have lived differently. When I was your age, my grandfather bought me a ruby bracelet. It as too big for me an would slide up and down my arm. It was almost a necklace. He later told me that he had asked the jeweler make that way. Its size was supposed to be a symbol of his love. More rubies, more love. But I could not wear it comfortably. I could not wear it at all. So here is the point of everything I have been trying to say. IF I were to give a bracelet to you, now, I would measure your wrist twice"

"Why are you leaving me? He wrote, I do not know how to live. I do not know either but I am trying. I do not know how to try. There were some things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So i buried them and let them hurt me"

"'I feel too much. That's what's going on.' 'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?' 'My insides don't match up with my outsides.' 'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?' 'I don't know. I'm only me.' 'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.' 'But it's worse for me.' 'I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.' 'Probably. But it really is worse for me.'"

2008-11-02T01:52:00.000-07:00

I might have just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

I'll live with the consequences.

What was I suppose to do?

sometimes all I needed was a hug.

so lets go do something and get all deep n shit.

downer #198772.3

2008-10-27T16:38:00.000-07:00

let me cross that out for you. i feel better than ever. lets celebrate to the chance of actual good grades, a good job, cash in my pocket, and maybe a little boy to lean on. As to that, either way i complete myself. Whatever happens, happens and for the first time i stopped worrying and starting living my own life.

a fucking men

only two points away at 3:45 am

2008-10-24T03:24:00.000-07:00

Oh, It's love. It really is.

What does a scanner see? he asked himself. I mean, really see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does a passive infrared scanner like they used to use or a cube-type holo-scanner like they use these days, the latest thing, see into me - into us - clearly or darkly? I hope it does, he thought, see clearly, because I can't any longer these days see into myself. I see only murk. Murk outside; murk inside. I hope, for everyone's sake, the scanners do better. Because, he thought, if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I myself do, then we are cursed, cursed again and like we have been continually, and we'll wind up dead this way, knowing very little and getting that little fragment wrong too.

Word.

list of books

- house of leaves

-geek love

- do androids dream of electric sheep?

-the painted bird

-some more ellis

-perfume

-maybe the wasp factory

I've getting into weird somewhat disturbing well written stuff lately i hope to find more. anything that makes you scared to sleep or makes you want to throw up is welcome especially the creepy shit. i'm just tired of feeling like a robot this is my desperate attempt to wake up that other part that seems to be on pause.

good night.

-on the topic: heres my secret:

"Most people would be done.... but I pop up like toast, maaaan"

2008-10-02T00:53:00.001-07:00

What in the HEEELLLL?

everythings a big ol' mess!

so from now on:

- another job!

- clean my car!

- finishing moving in (its been like 3 months)

- meditate

- spend ca$h money on more books!

- love more

- actually go to art class & hope i pass =/

- MUSEUMS MUSEUMS MUSEUMS

- start sowing again...with a pretend machine?

you know, things are hard and banks are closing! (i want bank of america next, i owe them money) so whats a better time than this to say sorry, give hugs, laugh over some saki bombs, be even more broke and come home to that special little boy with a purple crayon that you can't get enough of.

Sweat

2008-09-15T02:04:00.000-07:00

Nocturnal was dope with a capital D.

the key to the trailer was lost which sucked but the night was not at loss.

Vip open bar lots of fun and crazy people.

missed little boots =(

and to top off the night

Digitalism live.

too bad we couldn't stay on stage but wow.

you don't even know.

back to the weekly grind.

No Lie

2008-09-08T00:34:00.000-07:00

I really am in love with the joker, not heath ledger.

for serious ha

when words run out

2008-07-16T02:01:00.000-07:00

It's about time to check out.

But just in case, I have no medical insurance.

Electric Daisy Carnival 08- "have one, two three drinks. aka everyones mad"

2008-07-02T01:40:00.000-07:00

The day started with much anticipation. I had been looking forward to EDC since the last one.

Torrey was sick. Sheldon isn't into the music. And I had quite a few drinks and was mad an electronic unenthusiast and a diseased girl did not want to dance amongst crazy ass people the whole time.

Lessons learned:

-Do not start telling people they suck and how they ruined your night (no matter how drunk) because they dont want to dance to djs they never heard
-Let them sleep & go dance yourself!

Nevertheless I was lucky to be there. It was fun.

but 07 was much much better.

until 09...hopefully this year of waiting will be worth it.

a mind is a terrible thing to waste. read more.

2008-05-06T21:57:00.001-07:00

'Perspective betrays with its dichotomy:train tracks always meet, not here, but onlyin the impossible mind's eye;horizons beat a retreat as we embarkon sophist seas to overtake that markwhere wave pretends to drench real sky.' 'Well then, if we agree, it is not oddthat one man's devil is another's godor that the solar spectrum isa multitude of shaded grays; suspenseon the quicksands of ambivalenceis our life's whole nemesis. So we could rave on, darling, you and I,until the stars tick out a lullabyabout each cosmic pro and con;nothing changes, for all the blazing ofour drastic jargon, but clock hands that moveimplacably from twelve to one. We raise our arguments like sitting ducksto knock them down with logic or with luckand contradict ourselves for fun;the waitress holds our coats and we put onthe raw wind like a scarf; love is a faunwho insists his playmates run. Now you, my intellectual leprechaun,would have me swallow the entire sunlike an enormous oyster, downthe ocean in one gulp: you say a markof comet hara-kiri through the darkshould inflame the sleeping town. So kiss: the drunks upon the curb and damesin dubious doorways forget their monday names,caper with candles in their heads;the leaves applaud, and santa claus flies inscattering candy from a zeppelin,playing his prodigal charades. The moon leans down to took; the tilting fishin the rare river wink and laugh; we lavishblessings right and left and cryhello, and then hello again in deafchurchyard ears until the starlit stiffgraves all carol in reply. Now kiss again: till our strict father leansto call for curtain on our thousand scenes;brazen actors mock at him,multiply pink harlequins and singin gay ventriloquy from wing to wingwhile footlights flare and houselights dim. Tell now, we taunq where black or white beginsand separate the flutes from violins:the algebra of absolutesexplodes in a kaleidoscope of shapesthat jar, while each polemic jackanapesjoins his enemies' recruits. The paradox is that 'the play's the thing':though prima donna pouts and critic stings,there burns throughout the line of words,the cultivated act, a fierce brief fusionwhich dreamers call real, and realists, illusion:an insight like the flight of birds: Arrows that lacerate the sky, while knowingthe secret of their ecstasy's in going;some day, moving, one will drop,and, dropping, die, to trace a wound that healsonly to reopen as flesh congeals:cycling phoenix never stops. So we shall walk barefoot on walnut shellsof withered worlds, and stamp out puny hellsand heavens till the spirits squeaksurrender: to build our bed as high as jack'sbold beanstalk; lie and love till sharp scythe hacksaway our rationed days and weeks. Then jet the blue tent topple, stars rain down,and god or void appall us till we drownin our own tears: today we startto pay the piper with each breath, yet loveknows not of death nor calculus abovethe simple sum of heart plus heart.

-
all & all & all is well.

i said if she only knew

2008-04-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

I was right.

I was no longer the only one. Im not sure if I can go on knowing that he went on without me too long ago.

Sure, I have two choices.

The truth is I dont know.

1- Leave & be miserable
2- Stay & go absoutely crazy

?

you decide....

update:

i guess im miserable.

Everyday Ft. Logistics

2008-03-28T00:33:00.000-07:00

Im working.
Im going to school.
I have great friends & family.
I have a great Boyfriend.

Everything is right.
Everyday is a breeze.

I CANT TAKE IT.
I'M GOING CRAZY.

P.S.
I absolutely hate how inadequate he makes me feel.
I hate how I beg for attention. It's pathetic.
Not to sound like a pig, but I'm not used to this.
I'm lucky. I'm using to be loved or at least being part of some
infatuation. Call it what you will.
I call it ego. ew.
I've tried explaining it, but as always every discussion
turns into:
"(long emotional explanation)...You know?!"
"what are you talking about?..."
"Nevermind"
"ok"
silence.

I need to shake things up.

Fresh

2008-03-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

Livejournal sucks. I dont even like anyone im "friends" with. I doubt anyone will look at this. This is more for my piece of mind than it is yours. Im not here to impress you.

Lets start off nice & bittersweet:

Who knows how to make love stay?
Tell Love you are going to the Junior's Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up cheesecake, and if liove stays, it can have half. It will stay.
Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in a dimestore incense burner with ying/yang symbols on three sides. Face Southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a mustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay.
Wake up in the middle of the night. Tell it the world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love will be there in the morning.

good day to you sir,
Andrameda